Sub Rosa

Oh, cancer. I've had so many conversations with you. So many angry and one-sided rants. Monologues that could have me committed. I've clinched my fists, screamed, swung my arms in the air. You are not good. I detest you. So how is it that I can sit here and breathe in fresh air and enjoy the sun on my skin? You are letting me enjoy this warm, freshly brewed coffee as if this were some other day, some other life, a parallel world where things were different. Why are you letting me have a moment to myself to write these words without sloshing my fingers through tears on the keyboard?

I have a secret that I've been afraid to tell you. I'm almost ashamed of it. But to get through this, I think we need to start being honest with each other. If you are to be allowed in our lives, if you are refusing to leave, if you continue on this tragic path, if your mind can't be changed, then let's level.

While you work to destroy us, to take so selfishly without any thought to consequence, I am going to thank you. And I hope saying those words to you will hurt you. Thank you. THANK YOU.

You have nuanced the relationship with my son. It is now so deeply satisfying, and so incredibly cherished by me that I have to thank you. You have fused me to Parker in a way that I never thought possible. My eyes now see soul through skin. They see his deepest thoughts and emotions. His pains and fears are written across the blue sky with clouds as ink. His words, his groans, his vocal protests and regressions, they all make more sense now than they did 44 days ago. How long would I have waited to find this enlightenment without you? Don't answer. This is a reflective journal. Keep to yourself, you bastard.

So you can take yours, but I'm taking mine, too. I won't let you steal everything from me. I will fight you until the end. You are weak. You mask yourself as a monster, but deep down you are a scared piece of shit with only one incredibly refined skill. 

You stole last week from me. You weaned my ability to enjoy life. You made me depressed, and you made my tears roll like waves in the ocean. But today, on this day, it isn't going to happen. Try again tomorrow.